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I love eating good food. I love running. I love being with my husband. I love playing with my kids.

During chemo I was so sad and angry some days. I was not able to do so many of the things that I love that I felt it was never going to be better. Then I read this. “This is just a chapter darling, not your whole story”. And I knew that this was true. I will eat steak again with Bearnaise sauce; I will drink a glass of champagne to celebrate life; I will run a race; I will play with my kids and I will still be with husband. Some things may take a bit longer. But it will happen. This is not my whole story, but merely a chapter and I can choose how the rest of my book goes.

We took the cover photo of this website the day after my first chemo session. A friend gave us a photo session as gift and we chose to do it before I lost my hair. Looking back this is such a special reminder of we chose to be brave from day 1. We chose to go and smile and make a memory even though we were all broken inside. My family was amazing. They carried me, they were there for me every step of the way. The kids were so strong and they both became warriors with me. My husband smiled that day even though his world was falling apart and this photo is such a great reminder of the amazing man I married. Don’t forget to make memories, good ones, even though your world is falling apart. Because it is in moments like those that you will be reminded of the beauty of life.

The moment I lost my hair I covered my head. I wore wigs, scarfs, hats. Anything to not have people see my bald head. 

My husband once asked my I cover it up and I had to think about that a bit. I realised that being bald meant that I would stand out. That people would notice me. And that made me uncomfortable. I wanted to blend in, to be normal, to not be sick. And that scared me so much that it was just easier to hide. When I saw my bald head I looked sick and that made this real. 

But then I had a thought. What if I was made to stand out. What if I was not meant to be normal, to blend it. This thought changes the way you live. It makes you live life intentional. When you realise that it is ok to stand out you choose to live bravely and don’t just let life happen. 

I want my children to never be afraid to stand out. I want them to be unique, to make a difference and never shy away from making a difference. 

I had to embrace my baldness and in the end it gave me more confidence than I’ve ever had. 

I saved a lot of quotes and images during these past six month. It served as encouragement that I was not alone and it also reminded me that I was ok and I was going to make it. 

The first time I read a quote about a lotus flower I loved it. 

“Like a lotus flower we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate into the world”

This journey has taught me that even though I didn’t choose this that I do have the ability to overcome this, and I will bloom again.  I don’t want this dark world to consume me but I want to radiate that this is not something that will destroy you. I needed to choose to be a lotus flower every day and BE BRAVE!

I was so mad at cancer because it not only stole from me but it also stole from everyone around me who loved me dearly. My husband, my kids, my parents, my brothers, my friends. They were all fighting this with me. And I was so furious. Because they didn’t deserve this. Their worlds’ were turned upside down as well. And they didn’t have a choice. But with this anger again came such gratitude. Gratitude for every message, every call, every meal that was dropped off, every prayer, word of encouragement and every hug. I was so loved and realised I am not just fighting this battle for me. I was fighting it for everyone around me. 

When I was told that is is cancer. Stage 3. Very aggressive. I didn’t flinch. I immediately sprang into action and decided that I was going to fight this. I was all about action. I called the general surgeon as instructed and made the choice not to let this thing win.

People kept asking me how I am feeling, am I writing down the process, am I reading up about the cancer. And looking back at my journal I realised I only started writing down what I was feeling and going through about 6 weeks after everything.

I just went through the actions to get the battle started. I didn’t think about it too much. I kept staying positive. Never allowing negative thoughts to enter my mind. I was just processing.

The first thing I did wrote down (after reminding myself what was happening to me) was that I was grateful. Grateful for so much love around me. Grateful for a God of grace who is with me every step of the way (even if I wasn’t talking to Him all that much) and grateful that I was given an opportunity to fight this.

 I didn’t always love my old. I was always criticizing it. Not appreciating it enough.

Now that it is gone. I am so sad. So sad. I cry often. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this.

My old was me. It was real. It was imperfect. My old is now gone. It tried to kill me. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t deserve this. It was a wake up call to appreciate everything about myself.

Every day I remind myself to wear my scars like a warrior for it reminds me that I AM ALIVE!

Sometimes you don’t choose to change your perspective on life. You are forced to do it.

“The results are back. You have cancer.” What do you do when you get that call?

You don’t take it! You fight. You don’t back down. And you face this thing head on. Because you are strong. You are a warrior. You are not a victim. You are a survivor.

But then you cry. Because you will be changed forever. It is ugly, it is sad, it is terrible and it is a major loss. You will lose a lot so it is ok to be upset. It is a terrible illness that only aims to rob you of your life, your joy and your time. But know that you will get through this.

Your perspective will change. You have no choice.

1. You are going to be weak. You will need to rely on people.

2. No 2 days will be the same. You are going to have to be flexible.

3. There are lots of waiting. You are going to have to be more patient.

4. You will be faced with things you have never had to face before. You will need to have more grace with yourself.

5. You will have many questions. And you may not get answers to all of them. This is the toughest. You are going to have let go.